I love the internet. You know I do. If the internet was destroyed, I would spend all my newly found free time working on the international project called “Bring Back The Internet”. I would die for the internet. That’s odd. Mostly because I’ve only this moment realised that I would die for the internet. It’s rather disturbing to realise that you would willingly give your life for a collection of 1s and 0s. I think I need a moment, hang on.
Life shaking epiphanies aside, you need no further proof that I am an all out internet enthusiast. I mean come on, that’s even in my Twitter bio.
I stand beside the internet greats: the #Occupy movement, Annonymous, all the glorious internet citizens who write, draw, film, sing, and create solely for the joy of sharing with everybody else. I accept the dark corners of morons who debate how right the Mayans were, scream obscenities at people thousands of miles when shot immediately after a respawn on COD, and even the pits of hell that house websites belonging to Westbro Baptist Church. Hey, the internet is for everyone – that’s what the creator of the world wide web said. That includes the crazies.
But what I will not stand for is auto play. This idea spawned from the depths of corporate greed and sheer senseless inanity is one of the few things that sends me into a blind rage. Ok so there are a lot more than a few things that make me see red but let’s move past this*. Autoplay, for those of you blissfully as yet unaware of this threat to freedom and decency everywhere, is when a video or a song automatically begins to play on a webpage when you didn’t ask it to. This slightly includes YouTube preroll ads but what I’m really talking about are news stories that have hidden video content at the bottom of the page that plays for no reason (Huffinton Post I’m glaring at you dammit), blogs that have very loud songs of the worst genres imaginable that blare out their crass garbage and then hide the bloody pause button. If this is the way the internet is going then the terrorists have already won ladies and gentlemen.
But one odd gem from the autoplay world is this website. (go on, click it – you know you want to) What should be a relatively innocuous visit to a sushi restaurant in downtown LA, turns into an oddly erotic background ear raping that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “food porn”. I mean, if I want dodgy Japanese pop with cringeworthy lyrics all about how good food is, I’ll just put on some anime. Unsure as whether to laugh or cry at this travesty, I did both.
*The longer list of things that send Andy off on one is as follows: Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey and other awful literature, homeopathy, people who stubbornly refuse to “get” sarcasm, the NRA, members of the Conservative Party, members of the Republican Party, Westbro Baptist Church, people who think that irregardless is a word, slow walkers, Sean Penn, unforgivably bad films that are so bad they go past the “so bad it’s good” and just head on into the “dire”, people who think that Of Mice And Men and The Catcher In The Rye are bad, horoscopes, creationists, paparazzi, football, people who think that The Beatles are objectively better than other bands (I’m ok with the opinion that they’re spectacular, just not with the idea that they are on some sort of pedastal that no other band can reach), people who can’t argue properly, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, climate change nay-sayers, the Pope, people who ask me to speak French when they’ve known me for all of five minutes.
I’ll stop now I promise.
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