The Great Bacon Crisis Of 2013


No, not that Bacon.

While some of you may think that the above title is simply a made up crisis to rake in readers, you would be wrong. The Great Bacon Crisis is real and it is coming next year. Provided of course, that we all make it past the 21st of December 2012. Though for that matter, I’m of the opinion that a meteorite smashing into our fair planet or the sun going supernova or whatever it is that’s supposed to happen in December, pales in comparison to the thought that there could be no more bacon.

According to the National Pig Association: due to the unseasonal drought in the UK earlier this year and also the drought in the US where much of the grain is grown, the price of pig feed went up sharply and it became more expensive to keep pigs. Thus, farmers began the task of thinning their herds and generally reducing the number of porky fellows they kept on their books. A boon for us perhaps because they all were routinely made into bacon, sausages, pork, ham, gammon, glue, toothpaste, tambourine skins, beauty products, Haribo, and a host of other useful things. Seriously, pigs are in everything.

So when it came round to the part of the year where farmers buy new pigs or they choose how many of the new piglets to keep and rear to make into tasty tasty bacon, the food of the gods (unless of course, your God is Allah, Old Testament Yahweh, or Shiva, or if you follow Bhudda) farmers chose to buy or keep fewer pigs, thus making the total APB (amount of potential bacon) significantly lower than previous years.

While it’s worth pointing out that that we’re obviously not only talking about bacon here. As previously mentioned, pigs are in everything, ergo a shortage of pig will lead to a rise in prices in a large number of things. Not only will bacon become rarer, it will become more expensive. Once a staple of students, this fine food will be listed with caviar and filet mignon.

For those of you willing to wait out the year and simply mark it as the worst year of your life and move on, the drought this year was caused by climate change. Now while it may seem improbable that the rain outside is in fact going to stop, the problem is not if the rain falls so much as when the rain falls. Having had dry winters (which were still cold!) and wet summers (which were also cold) the water table is out of kilter with where it should be when it should be. This means that come next year, the price of grain could still rise, causing farmers to further thin their herds.

And for those of you denying climate change, you won’t be as blind to it when it affects your bacon will you?

Let us pray to whatever deity we believe in (unless said deity has a thing against pigs or against the practice of eating animals) to end this cruel plague upon humanity and once more fill our morning plates and afternoon sandwiches with the crisp and piggy flavoured meat upon which we depend. If you’re an atheist, spend your time in far more useful ways and lobby the government to raise grain subsidies or something.

For all y’all who think I’m making this up:

Unrelated Video Of The Day:


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