We’re All Going To Die

hand germsSo we’re all pretty used to the idea of germs right? Those teeny teensy tiny things that will kill us slowly by making us puke out our internal organs or something. Or at least, that’s what I envision when I hear the word bacteria. Germs, in my head, are a little more fuzzy and harmless. Germs will give you a mild cold which, while it most definitely won’t kill you, might make you feel like you’ve still got that pink Crayola crayon stuck up your nose from when you were three. And viruses? Well surely they’re simply those things your PC picks up when you watch too many American TV shows illegally and don’t have a firewall or perform regular scans of your hard drive. Guess which generation I’m part of.

And so it comes as quite the shock to us when we hear phrases like “there’s more bacteria on your kitchen counter or computer keyboard than there is on your toilet seat!” It makes it sound like we’re going to die – and fast – if we don’t go out and buy the strongest bleach with which to whitewash our homes.

This is utter baloney.

For a start, just saying “bacteria” doesn’t mean it’s actually bad. In fact, there are more bacteria cells in your body than there are human cells. Now if that previous sentence hasn’t made you rush out and get a colonic irrigation and/or drink a Mr Muscle and Carex cocktail then carry on reading. If you have had that cocktail then I’ll say lovely things at your funeral.

Bacteria can be dangerous but many are not. The fact that there are more of them on our kitchen surfaces than around our toilet bowl rims is, quite frankly, irrelevant because it’s been true for years and we’re still here. While it may make sense to wipe down our counters after cooking, a spritz of Dettol over my keyboard isn’t about to stave off the zombiepocalypse which, ladies and gents, is most definitely coming and for which I have a brilliant plan of survival. A plan that doesn’t involve you. Muhahaahahaaaaa.

Unrelated Video Of The Day:
Speaking of keyboards…

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