Why I Hate Football

You may not have noticed, but I hate football. Please note, dear American readers, that I am talking about the game where a ball is kicked with the foot rather than the game where a big rubber egg is thrown with the hands. Not that I like your football either, but I hate actual football more.

Though if I’m painfully honest (though it gives me no pain to be so) I hate all sport really. All of it. Running, jumping, twisting, turning, moving quickly through water or over tarmac, throwing little spikes of metal at defenceless cork boards or thwacking small white spheres into the stratosphere in the hope of them landing in a ditch in the ground, I hate it.

Is hate too strong a word? Weeeeell perhaps. But I do have to admit that if I’m watching the news and then the sport comes on, or if I stray too far past the middle when reading a newspaper and I stumble upon the racing pages, I get angry. I don’t know why and I can’t explain it. One part of me realises that it is perfectly legit to have a sports section after the news. The rest of me wants the sports reporter shot for bad journalism – reporting on a non-topic.

Is this irrational? Yes. Do I care? No.

I remember when I first realised that I could stop pretending to enjoy football and oh what a joyous day that was.

But do I have a problem with you if you like sport? Well actually, I might do. Now I’m a left wing liberal so what two consenting adults or twenty two overpaid children do in the privacy of their own home or grass field is their business. But what really grinds my gears, what fries my noodle to a crisp, what makes me want to jump off the nearest tall building, is people talking about their teams. If you are unsure as to why I would ever feel this, I believe that David Mitchell and Robert Webb have perfectly captured my pain:

There. I’ve had that in my system for quite long enough thank you very much.

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14 thoughts on “Why I Hate Football

  1. If you’re going to post something so controversial and in a forceful manner then at least explain why you don’t like sports. This is just an inane rant, with absolutely no justification to your opinion.

  2. Just to help balance the comments – I hate football too. I don’t care who is playing in the Euros (apparently that’s been happening this month) and I have no interest in who’s just been sold to what team for how many millions.

    Fair play to you Andy for hating this stupid game for no other reason than you do. Do you also get those conversations where you meet a bloke (for work or whatever) and he asks you if you saw whatever big game it was and you say “I can’t stand football” and he just carries on with the conversation as if you’d said nothing?

    (I think I may have had a similar conversation with “I say, do you follow?” once)

  3. Football, its a wonderful game.
    But I hate it. I do not know why.
    May be its because I am not good at sports, may be its because I am jealous of the overpaid players. May be its because the overpaid players are famous and I am not.

  4. I have to agree with the writer. Football is a meaningless sport of kicking a ball around and getting paid a ridiculous amount of money instead of paying the doctor who saves your life, or the teacher who teaches your children or…
    You get the point.
    Also, and I don’t normally say this, but football fanatics; fuck off. You’re not welcome here, and you cry baby all you want, that’s not going to change. Perhaps if you provided any arguments to why you like football, then maybe we would listen to you, but since all you’re doing is whining not everyone is a brainwashed zombie like yourselves, then we really can’t be bothered to deal with you.

  5. You are not the only one. I have no interest in football or rather 99.99% of the sports out there. Reason? Don’t need one. I just have no interest whatsoever. Not everything needs a reason or reasons. Full stop.
    I do enjoy wrestling though though I no longer watched it these days.
    The only time I do enjoy sports is when they are displayed in Anime or Western Animations or part of a video game’s storyline as a mini game or so (e.g. Tales of Eternia) and yes, I did not forget about Space Jam. I watched it not for the sake of basketball of course but the story, crossover and such.

  6. I’m completely with you on this sir Andy. I live in Texas–one of the most sport-obsessed states in the U.S.–and I cannot adequately convey the level of contempt that I hold for “professional” sports and the zombies who dedicate themselves to following these huge wastes of time and money. I find it disturbing and disgusting that the majority of people in this doomed country can dredge up every minute, meaningless detail about sorts teams and events, but when you try to engage them in a conversation about our ongoing loss of personal liberties and our thoroughly corrupt government, you just get a blank stare. Pro sports is just another useful tool that the elite use to pacify and distract all of the naive sheeple into caring more about a pointless waste of time than about the fact that their country is sliding into a fascist hell-on-earth. Who gives a shit as long as your team makes the playoffs. Fucking disgusting!

  7. Hi.
    What can I say. It´s not so much the game, per se, that I detest; more the mind-numbing hero worship of overpaid louts (in too many cases) that really gets to me. So much so I had to include some decent sized chunks of one Payne Carver (invented, of course) in my new novel (Your ComeUppance by Edmund Fitzgerald … available on Amazon, iTunes etc). This is not a spam attempt, by the way. There are different ways in which we all vent our spleen about the injustices of this world (Annual salaries: Payne Carver … c 10 million sterling; NHS life-saving nurse … c 26000 (if he/she´s lucky). Mine just happens to be in the writing of a novel. One day we may see true justice on this planet… but I suspect not.

  8. I pretended to like football to fit in, so much I even went to Wembley to a final just to say I’d been there. Then I realised, why should I do what the sheeple do when really I’d sooner be watching a BBC 4 documentary than some godforsaken 0-0 draw. I dropped the game totally and now have rediscovered music, culture, films, current affairs, all stuff most football fans don’t like or understand

  9. I come from the North East, a stronghold of the game, and most of my family didn’t like football. They hated the hooliganism that was rife in the 70s and 80s, the stupid rivalry like that between Newcastle and Sunderland, and found it totally boring to watch. Possibly hearing stupid, pointless comments like ” I really hate Mackems” pissed me off as well as they probably had more in common with so called Mackems, similar accent, climate, economic problems and outlook on life, than a Londoner. Yet a game made a lot of people on Tyneside hate people who were only 10 miles away, stupid.
    It’s not that I’m anti sport, I like tennis, athletics, cycling, speedway, combat sports and equestrianism, it’s just I hate football and its obsessive and bigoted fans and the way it spoils going out for a quiet drink.

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