Facebook Is Turning Against Us

facebook_like_button_big So there I was, bumbling along the internet one evening, checking on some friends, stalking some enemies (now wouldn’t that be fun if you could add someone as your enemy?), and generally being a good internet citizen. I’d even recently paid for something on the internet which I would normally get for free (by fair means or foul) and I feel this for some reason works to up my internet karma and cancel out the fact that I stream practically all my TV from legally dubious websites. You know the type – the ones that are dead set on pawning off some Russian bride to you while at the same time giving you the one ‘strange old tip’ that will make you magically lose all your unwanted weight by smashing through the laws of physics and converting it to muscle and whitening your teeth in the process.

So there I was, Facebooking, and my eye lazily drifted to the adbar on the side. I guess whosever page it was I was on had just got a little bit yawn-worthy. My eye settled upon this advert and I was rudely jolted awake.

Picture1Thing Number One Which Felt Like A Cyber Slap To The Face:
My graduate-pride kicked in – the kind of pride which makes you feel that little bit loftier than the other members of society who don’t have letters after their name and especially envious of people who have jobs if you don’t have a job (boo-hoo me). So that was quickly quenched as a rather snotty emotion if ever there was one but then came…

Thing Number Two Which Felt Like A Cyber Poke In The Eye:
It’s a kid. A kid who is earning money. More money than I will earn in the next few years put together I’ll bet. And that smarts a little. I have a bit of a complex about kids being better than me. So much so that when I saw this story on the BBC a few weeks back of an 8 year old who passed his grade 8 on piano, I went off in a huff. But I got over this feeling pretty swiftly as well since I’m a big believer in being good at things and doing them so go you! little Johnny or whatever your name is. And then came…

Thing Number The Next One Which Felt Like A Cyber Roundhouse Kick:
The phrasing. Ok so it’s a kid who’s better and richer than me but so what. There are plenty of those. Plenty of richer, more skilled people than little me and I am fine with this because it means that I can sit back and relax while they run the world. Or something.
But it’s the way the ad is phrased: “why can’t you?” I’ll tell you why oh most sanctimonious of all the sanctimonious ads. Because I’m not a genius. If you’d said ‘why don’t you’ then I’d be fine. But why can’t you sounds rather accusatory. It sounds like mummy and daddy Facebook asking why you can’t be nice like so-and-so.

Hey Facebook, you’re my lazy place of laziness. Stop trying to guilt me into learning how to design apps that will make my coffee while playing Billy Joel’s greatest hits and driving my car or whatever it is apps do these days. I came here to relax and stalk, not to be scolded on my lack of contribution to humanity’s struggle against manual labour.

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