*Warning* This blog contains copious amounts of tongue in cheek writing and sarcasm. Please leave now if you feel that you are unable to recognise a joke when you see one. Thanks.
Most trashy blogs and websites these days tend to indulge in the practice of a Hot or Not section in which various photos are displayed, be they of people or fashion etc, and people vote, or are told who or what is hot and who or what is not.
Not that trashy Hot or Not sections are wrong, I quite enjoy a little communal gossip about stuff every now and then. However, I do feel that there is a need to raise the tone of the internet while still remaining relevant to public demand, and so here is a parliamentary Hot or Not, in which I rate members of the House of Commons on their looks, or lack thereof. I know. I’m classy.
To be honest, most of the women in parliament have learned how to scrub up pretty well so that the majority of them look quite presentable. The ones below stood out as being exceptional. The guys in parliament look, for the most part, as if they’re still evolving from apes. I fear for my country. However, there were a few who caught my eye.
Looking a little bit ethereal and sadly empty headed, Ms Bagshawe eases into the category of Hot out of the 600 odd MPs I trawled through. I’m not big on blondes but I’d wager that she carries it off quite well.
Ok ok, so he’s a little bit shiny in an abnormal amount of his photos but it’s a nice kind of shiny. You’d trust that smile. If he weren’t a Conservative. He’s probably looking to introduce a smile tax for the poor. Still, he’s firmly on the Hot List.
Luciana Berger – Labour MP for Liverpool Wavertree
As much as I deplore her for stealing away the seat from my local Lib Dem MP Colin Eldridge, I have to admit that she has the looks where Colin sadly doesn’t. Who knows, perhaps that’s how she managed to win the seat by such a huge margin despite never having lived in Liverpool in her life and this being her first election?
Zac Goldsmith – Conservative MP for Richmond Park
This guy looks as if he’s rich enough to buy the entirety of Richmond Park, let alone represent it in parliament. Not only that, he has the whole “I’m rich and therefore look annoyingly stunning” thing going on. It’s quite disconcerting. And quite eye pleasing.
Sure, the lighting leaves a lot to be desired on this photo but I’m sure you get the point. She’s brilliantly pretty and she pulls off pink quite well.
Yet another dashing young Conservative for us to drool over. How is it that the party I detest the most has the most attractive members? Perhaps the upper classes have begun a breeding programme. All that aside, young Mr Kelly here certainly turns heads with those eyes and that chin and yet sadly he doesn’t look quite as good in pink.
Hey! Why become a model when you can run the country eh? Seriously, perhaps this is why the Conservatives have been going [more] wrong recently – they’ve been distracted by excess of beauty that’s in the room.
I mean come on! She’s utterly stunning! She looks like Kate Winslett for goodness’ sake!
Admit it people: you would. Here’s an incredibly dashing young man who suits up beautifully and he has good choice in ties. Smart, stylish, sexy, suave, and many other words I can’t think of right now beginning with S… What’s not to like?
Yes I admit, there are far better photos of her but the point still stands – she may look a bit boyish but it’s totally hot. And yes, she wears pink quite well. I’m not sure why I’m making such an emphasis on wearing pink well in this blog but I feel it’s important to the hotness rating. Don’t ask me why.
Anyhow. Chloe Smith – hot.
Now don’t go telling me you weren’t thinking it too. The Right Honourable David Miliband is hot and you know it. He’s got the whole “I’m over 40 but I’ve still got it” look down to a tee and I know you were all rooting for him to win over his fugly brother in the Labour leadership election. No? You’re deluded.
With the women it tends to be the hair and with the men it’s the eyebrows. For some reason, if an MP is going to look bad they’ll choose these tried and tested mediums to show us just how bad they can look. Oh and also the eyes. I have nightmares about the eyes. In the cause of public health, I’ve chosen not to write something specific about each MP but rather to write a section heading and let the photos do the rest of the talking. Prepare yourselves dear readers.
Women with bad hair:
Anne Morris – Conservative MP for Newton Abbot
Men With Scary Eyebrows: There were quite a few of these so I chose only the two most impressively scary. I’m betting they’ve been cultivating their eyebrows for many years to look this shocking.
Rt Hon Alistair Darling – Labour MP for Edinburgh South West
Maybe it would be better if he just dyed them white. I mean, did this guy not realise that it didn’t tend to inspire a great confidence in his ability as chancellor seeing as how he didn’t seem to be able to work out that he looked like an utter numpty all the time?
Roger Godsiff – Labour MP for Birmingham, Hall Green
WAAAAAAAT! These bad boys look like two small trained ferrets hibernating on his face! Is it even possible for him to look upwards without his line of sight being blocked by the immense bush of hair? Eeeugggghhhh.
More Scary People in Parliament: There are just some people in Parliament who would do better as villains in children’s, or indeed adult, horror stories. Not particularly just for their looks but for their presence. Dont’ you just shudder when you hear these names?
Scary aren’t they? Not as scary as these guys:
Did anybody else read Goosebumps when they were younger? Night Of The Living Dummy anybody? Honestly, it’s all I can think of when I see his face. I swear the guy was carved from wood. Well, at least that would explain his lack of heart and/or brain when it comes to educational policies. OH MY! A POLITICALLY SATIRICAL JOKE! I apologise.
David Winnick – Labour MP for Walsall North
Guess who was a smoker for 50billion years before becoming an MP? Those teeth are, quite frankly, inexcusable. Get some Crest Whitening strips on those man! Oh, and just stop smiling all together as well. It’s incredibly unsettling.
Rt Hon Danny Alexander – Lib Dem MP for Inverness, Nairn, Badenoch and Strathspey
Recently described as “that ginger rodent” by Harriet Harman, there is little else that strikes as much fear into me as the knowledge that this man, who looks as if he’s young enough to still be on work experience, is running the country. They call Nick Clegg the coffee boy but I think we’ve just found Downing St’s paper boy.
Why Men Shouldn’t Have Beards or Moustaches: There are far too many of these guys to give you all their names so their pictures will have to suffice. Before writing this blog, I had entertained the (erroneous) notion that beards could look good. It will be a long time before you’ll be finding me saying that again. I think I’m mentally scarred for life.