Election 101

liblabcon I’ve been quite surprised at how many people in the UK seem to have been caught totally off guard by the General Election coming up on the 6th of May this year and so I thought I’d give you lovely voters a little run down of what this election business is all about: my views, who I’m voting for, why I’m voting for them, who I think you should vote for, why you should vote for them and why UKIP sucks.

Who am I voting for?
I’m voting for the Liberal Democrats. There, you happy? Obviously I can’t claim that this is going to be an objective blog and free from bias, but I can tell you that my opinion is that my opinion is without a doubt the right one and should be imitated to the letter.

Why am I voting Lib Dem?
Well for one thing, their name contains two words I’m quite partial to: Liberal (as pertaining to all things sensible, nice and free) and Democrats (as in democracy, the opposite of a dictatorship, totalitarian regime and/or China).
Also, I agree with them on more issues than I agree with any other party and this is generally the sort of thing that you should be looking for when you want to choose who to vote for.
Next, I’m fed up with Labour, allergic to the Conservative party (just the mention of the word ‘Tory’ makes me break out in fits of rage and occasionally hysterical laughter), and unless I squint, tilt my head to one side, and stare really closely I can’t really see that much of a difference between those two parties when it boils down to things that will really affect me.

So what’s with this voting business?
In the UK, we vote for the candidate of our choice who is running in our area, not for the head of the party we like. This is different from, say, the American or the French model where every voter will vote between McCain or Obama, Sarkozy or Royale.
While you may have reservations about this method, it does have its good points. For example, you really want the guy from party A who is running in your area because you know his auntie Ethel and she said that he’s a real nice chappy, but you’d quite fancy it if party B were in charge of the country. Thanks to our system, it is quite possible that you can have your cake and eat it as both Ethel’s nephew winning and party B taxing you to death running the country are not mutually exclusive events. Cool eh?
So when voting, it’s kind of important to take a quick look at who’s running in your area and what they think as although you might like a certain party, candidates from other parties can actually do a better job for you and your city.

Who should you vote for?
Obviously I’m going to tell you to vote Lib Dem, that sort of goes without saying. However I do realise that some of you are yet to be enlightened to the wonders of the golden party so I think that there are some very helpful ways to sort out who you should be voting for.
Here are two websites where you answer questions on your views and then the results will tell you how much you agree with each party. They’re not infallible by any means and might leave you hedging your bets between two parties still but they should give you a better idea of what questions you should be asking yourself and what issues are more important to you.

http://www.votematch.org.uk/2010/index.php
http://voteforpolicies.org.uk/

If you don’t have the time to sit through either of those then here are my views on the parties:

The BNP:
Don’t you dare. Don’t you even think of daring. Don’t go talking of thinking of daring, don’t think of talking of thinking of daring. Just don’t.

The Conservative Party:
If the name didn’t put you off enough then perhaps the guy running the show will. He’s so posh and with his nose so high in the air, you could easily mistake his nostrils for his eyes.
Not only that but the Conservatives are first and foremost out to help big corporations and companies, giving them more power to control the government and dictate the rules. This, as you might have guessed, is not cool.
While they might offer you tax cuts, they’re also going to cut jobs and keep government spending the same or increase it. For some reason they think that it’s a good idea to take less money but spend more and let fewer people work. Go figure.
Also, the last time they were in power they screwed the UK. With her pants on. Ever hear of a terminator woman called Margaret Thatcher?

The Green Party:
These guys aren’t as insane as you might think actually. I found out this year that I actually agree with a good number of their policies. However, I did disagree strongly with a few other of their policies and I’m not really sure I’d feel that comfortable with them running the country.
I also wouldn’t recommend voting for them because they’re such a small party and it’s just be wasting your vote to be honest. That said, if you’re in an area where the candidate from the Green Party has a chance then I think you should vote for them.

The Labour Party:
Although it may not have been all their fault, I can’t really stomach voting for a party which has led us into two wars, the expenses scandal and a huge financial crisis, especially when the leader of the party was the previous Chancellor Of The Exchequer. Doesn’t seem all that logical to me.
I also don’t like Labour’s treatment of some important bills such as the recently rushed through digital bill. It seems that Labour is also in the pockets of certain larger powers who are keen to direct certain laws to be in their favour. As previously stated, I am of the opinion that this is a particularly arsy thing to do.
Labour have also messed up the NHS with regards to the crazy amounts of paperwork and beaurocracy that exists nowadays, not to mention the huge deficit which they’ve managed to rack up.
If you’re torn between them and the Conservatives however, I would strongly urge you to vote for Labour instead.

The Liberal Democrats:
A recent convert to their marvellous ways, I am now a staunch Lib Dem supporter. Their policies on the things that really matter such as the environment, equal rights, parliamentary and voting reform are the only ones I can really get behind with confidence.
Not to mention that the guy they would put in charge of the country’s finances is far more qualified than anything Labour or the Conservatives could cook up.
They would also bring a much needed freshness to British politics should they be elected or even if they merely gain more seats in Parliament. The two main parties have become so alike in recent years with trying to please everyone that the only real alternative to stir up and add a little chlorine to the the now stagnant waters of our politics are the Lib Dems.
No, seriously – vote for them.

UKIP:
If you hadn’t already guessed from my blog about UKIP, this party is little more than a thinly veiled racist joke, intent on having the horribly clashing colour scheme of yellow and purple plastered all over the country. It makes me want to vomit. Twice.
What is their obsession with leaving the EU? We’re in flipping Europe for goodness’ sake! Get over it.

 

So there you have it. My (considerably shortened) views on the General Election of 2010. Don’t forget to vote, no matter who you vote for. If you don’t vote then you really don’t have any right to go complaining about the government. If I find out that you didn’t vote then I’m going to remind you of that every time you open your cake hole to complain.
Vote Lib Dem – they’re all nice and shiny gold.

P.S.
If you like making fun of the conservatives then I refer you to these two sites in which Conservative billboards are either altered or defaced. It’s hilarious but totally NSFW and not for anybody who has an aversion to strong language.

Vandalised Conservative Billboards
MyDavidCameron.com

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9 thoughts on “Election 101

  1. I’m voting Lib Dem too. I voted for them in 2005, but because I was voting in Liverpool Riverside, which is a Labour stronghold, it probably was, in effect, a wasted vote. This time, we’re in Shrewsbury, which flits between Lib Dem and Conservative and it would be incredibly satisfying if I can oust a Tory with my vote!

    • That does indeed sound like it could be a satisfying win. The good news is that Liverpool Wavertree is leaning towards Lib Dem since the Labour MP has stood down and her new replacement is totally new. I’ve a feeling that Colin Eldridge has a very good chance indeed.
      In other news, much to my chagrin, my parents now have a huge banner saying “Vote UKIP” which they’ve hung outside my house. Oh the shame!

  2. Yikes! That’s not good! I presume that’s related to someone from Belvidere standing as a UKIP candidate? Christian candidate or no christian candidate, I could never vote UKIP, they’re just xenophobic!

    Maybe you should camp in a tent outside the front of the house and cover it with Lib Dem posters!

    My parents, being from a Brethren background, believe christians shouldn’t be involved in politics at all, to the extent that they don’t vote because they believe it encourages disunity amongst christians. It was quite funny in the 2001 election because my brother put up a massive Lib Dem poster in the front bedroom window. My Dad didn’t notice it for a few days, but it was swiftly removed as soon as he did!

  3. Lib Dems are sick. Nick Clegg was boasting how he had “slept with over 30 women before he got married.”
    Of all the political parties, these guys have the worst morals. Gordon Brown was revelling in the fact that his party had introduced same-sex marriages, like it was a badge of honour!!
    The conservative party. Well… keep the rich, rich and make the poor, poorer is concerning. Although, I count moral standards higher on my list than wealth.

  4. Oh sorry, I’d forgotten that they’re all sinners… maybe we should only look to vote for sinless people to run our country should we?
    I think you’re sicker than anybody in government for being such a bigot.

  5. Politcal correctness, liberalism and just plain evil has caused the beginning of such things. Where will it end…

  6. Being offended is a choice. If you choose to be hurt then it’s not actually my problem. Maybe if I knew who you were then I could spend some time wondering about if I were offending somebody I knew, but seeing as I am only now aware of your existence then I suppose that’s a little difficult for me to do.

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