As mentioned in my Andy Is A Teenage Girl blog, I went through an (albeit short-lived) phase of liking Twilight. This phase is up there among my top ten most shameful things along with not voting in the European elections in which Nick “I’m-Such-A-Racist-I-Make-Hitler-Look-Like-A-Bunny” Griffin was elected. I still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes.

One of the reasons I abruptly stopped liking Twilight was that I realised that Stephanie Meyers has absolutely no idea what the characteristics of a vampire happen to be, or indeed the characteristics of a werewolf. Since when can werewolves change any time they please? Isn’t the whole point of being a werewolf that you change when there’s a full moon and that’s it? Why on earth do her vampires sparkle? And what’s with the whole red eyes thing? It’s as if she wrote down a list of odd physical attributes and then decided to throw them into the mix to cover up the fact that she writes like a retarded five year old with ADHD.

To understand just how badly Twilight is written (as if every male reading this isn’t already a firm believer in this fact) I ask you to first read this:
And when you’ve finished that, have a watch of multiple New York Times bestselling author John Green give his opinions on why the series is fundamentally flawed and not just a little bit wrong (i.e. it’s based around a 100 year old dude hitting on a 16 year old vulnerable girl):

Then if that wasn’t enough, take a look at the “Alex Reads Twilight” series in which one of my favourite YouTubers Alex Day reads through the first Twilight novel and gives his critical opinions on just how badly it is written and just how depressed Bella Swan really is:

All that aside however, I really do like a good vampire story. My favourite at the moment has to be the US TV series True Blood which is closely followed by BBC series Being Human. Both of these programmes are very addictive, and True Blood is especially dangerous because there’s about 22 episodes in each season and what with it being so watchable and all, I’d lost a few days before I realised I hadn’t eaten or slept just so I could know if Sookie is alright or not. Yes, I’m that sad.

Another great vampire story is the film Interview With The Vampire. If you’re at all a fan of Bradd Pitt or Tom Cruise, this is a good film to watch. It also has a nine year old Kirsten Dunst who will scare the crap out of you.

If you never got to see the Swedish film Let The Right One In last year, I heartily recommend that you go out and buy it now as it was phenomenal. So phenomenal in fact, that there’s already an English language remake in the works – watch this space.

The vampire genre is at its height right now and while there is a lot of good stuff out there, there is also a depressing amount of tripe. Vampire Diaries, Daybreakers, Blood: The Last Vampire, and Twilight are the first ones the spring to mind and they really were poor. Given a choice between watching Blood: The Last Vampire again and taking a knife to my ear à la Van Gogh, I’d be hard pressed to tell you which I’d choose.

Twilight fails this much:


3 thoughts on “Vampalicious

  1. Although I agree wholeheartedly with everything else you said, I feel a need to point out that they’re not werewolves, but shapeshifters. Apparently it says in one of the books. I got corrected when I made the same criticism.
    But yeah, you’re so right in every other way

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