Dear Santa

When I was ikkle, my parents chose not to teach me, or any of us four kids for that matter, about Santa. This means that I have never written a Christmas list, never waited for the big fat man to compress himself down our chimney, never left milk and cookies with a carrot or two out for Santa and his reindeer.

When I asked my mum about why we were never given the Santa treatment, she replied (unusually sarcastically for her I might add) “Just rearrange the letters. We thought it best to be on the safe side.”

Word games apart, I do feel kind of left out. I therefore resolve to write a Christmas list here on my blog. Feel free, though not in any way obliged to attempt to procure any of the items below for me in this, the season of good will.

Dear Satan Santa,

I have been an incredibly, quite a well behaved, a good boy, I have been nice. In light of this semi-dubious notion of mine, I was wondering if you could drop some magic prezzies off this Christmas because of all the years I have missed (20 to be exact). When speaking to your customer services, I was informed that if I informed you of this great dearth of gifts, I would get 20 years credit added into one Christmas. With this in mind, I would like:

Am I allowed to ask for Summer Glau?

Am I allowed to ask for Summer Glau?

  • A lightsaber
  • A reindeer
  • Aladdin’s lamp
  • Five super powers (telekinesis, invisibility, teleportation, flight and the force)
  • Gold
  • Lightning
  • The Ether
  • Some dark matter.
  • A midget slave
  • A midget slave leash and collar
  • 12 midget slave outfits (one for each month of the year)
  • One midget slave tranquiliser gun.
  • A kitten

    awwww a lil kitty

    awww a lil kitty

  • A rhino
  • A hippo
  • A pond
  • Some geese
  • The licence to eat a swan
  • Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s velvet slippers
  • 4/5ths of Regent’s park
  • A spaceship (including the full crew of Serenity)
  • Seven lollipops
  • Eight Ethiopians
  • Seven long straws
  • One short straw
  • Elton John’s album ‘The Captain and the Kid’
  • The sheet music for the above
  • Elton John’s hands
  • The ability which makes Elton John’s hands go crazy on a piano
  • Some classy chocolates
  • Permission to go ape at the next idiot who crosses my path
  • The Complete Works of Shakespeare
  • A William Shakespeare costume
  • Shakespeare props (inc. skull and imaginary dagger)
  • The ability to write a novel
  • The ability to better convey emotion through prose
  • Riches with which to repay my friends for their awesomenessnessosityificationisationifying friendship
  • For awesomenessnessosityificationisationifying to be a word
  • The balls to say happy fun things to strangers
  • Sharper wit
  • A box/vase where such intangible concepts could be stored
  • A paradox
  • A perpetual motion machine (just to annoy physicists)
  • A look inside Lady GaGa’s brain
  • Lady GaGa’s album ‘Fame Monster’
  • The complete works of C.S. Lewis
  • C.S. Lewis’ intellect and clarity of thought
  • One can of woop-ass
  • A chance to open said can of woop-ass on somebody’s ass
  • And a partridge. I don’ wanna stoopid pear tree.


Jingle Bombs?


One thought on “Dear Santa

  1. You do not want the complete works of Shakespeare… that book is way heavy. Trust me. I had to carry it around all summer back in my student days. lol. No fun.

    Though, a light saber would be cool. Actually, you should just watch “Spaceballs” and ask for a toy ring from a crackerjack box.

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