So there I was, Facebooking, and my eye lazily drifted to the adbar on the side. I guess whosever page it was I was on had just got a little bit yawn-worthy. My eye settled upon this advert and I was rudely jolted awake.

Thing Number One Which Felt Like A Cyber Slap To The Face:
My graduate-pride kicked in – the kind of pride which makes you feel that little bit loftier than the other members of society who don’t have letters after their name and especially envious of people who have jobs if you don’t have a job (boo-hoo me). So that was quickly quenched as a rather snotty emotion if ever there was one but then came…

Thing Number Two Which Felt Like A Cyber Poke In The Eye:
It’s a kid. A kid who is earning money. More money than I will earn in the next few years put together I’ll bet. And that smarts a little. I have a bit of a complex about kids being better than me. So much so that when I saw this story on the BBC a few weeks back of an 8 year old who passed his grade 8 on piano, I went off in a huff. But I got over this feeling pretty swiftly as well since I’m a big believer in being good at things and doing them so go you! little Johnny or whatever your name is. And then came…

Thing Number The Next One Which Felt Like A Cyber Roundhouse Kick:
The phrasing. Ok so it’s a kid who’s better and richer than me but so what. There are plenty of those. Plenty of richer, more skilled people than little me and I am fine with this because it means that I can sit back and relax while they run the world. Or something.
But it’s the way the ad is phrased: “why can’t you?” I’ll tell you why oh most sanctimonious of all the sanctimonious ads. Because I’m not a genius. If you’d said ‘why don’t you’ then I’d be fine. But why can’t you sounds rather accusatory. It sounds like mummy and daddy Facebook asking why you can’t be nice like so-and-so.

Hey Facebook, you’re my lazy place of laziness. Stop trying to guilt me into learning how to design apps that will make my coffee while playing Billy Joel’s greatest hits and driving my car or whatever it is apps do these days. I came here to relax and stalk, not to be scolded on my lack of contribution to humanity’s struggle against manual labour.

You may think this a foolhardy idea and you’d be correct.

But no matter what you think of it, take a look at it and listen to my explanation of what I’m doing and my chronicle of my endeavours. It’s going to be fun. I promise!

Yes, this is a HUGE task but I’m sure(ish) that I can manage it. I think.

366filmsin2012.wordpress.com

Regardless of whether or not we’ll see Christmas this year, the fact remains that we are now in January and certain things have to happen. Or so they tell me. Though I do find that half of what ‘they’ say to be utter garbage.

Besides removing the tree, the cards, and all hope of being your target weight again before April, January is the time for resolutions. Now you may recall that I spoke of the need to have an incentive to follow your new year’s resolution in last year’s January blog and this need still stands.

But what to resolve to do? The yeard? I think not. But thanks Emily for introducing me to the concept.

Really, any more food related resolutions seem rather obsolete as I just eat what I want when I want anyway so promising to never pass up a meringue is a little unnecessary when I will take one whether I am resolute or not.

And then we have people virtually screaming at us that a resolution will make you a better person or somesuch. No, really – did you see the guy on the new year countdown in London thingy? He spouted some filth about those who make new year’s resolutions being ten times more likely to achieve their life goals than those who don’t make them. Though to my mind, this is only true because many of those who don’t make new year’s resolutions don’t feel the need to split their life into goals and are in fact too busy living to sit down and write a list of how they wish to live. So of course they don’t achieve their life goals – they don’t have any.

I digress.

Returning to me however, I do actually want to have a resolution but to be honest, I don’t really think that there’s any part of me I wish to change which would be aided by a resolution. I’m happy with myself. I mean, I’m not the finished article by any standard and I’m not claiming perfection here, but what I am saying that I feel no burning desire or necessity to change anything. Or at least, the things I wish to change are outside of my control at this present moment and so I could resolve all I wanted and still have changed nothing.

But here’s a thought – to resolve to remain happy with myself. Easier said than done I’ll admit but at the end of it all, the goal is happiness and surely that’s the ultimate goal of all new year’s resolutions? So let’s just skip the middle step and get straight to the joy shall we? Sorted.

Rather Unrelated Video Of The Day:
In a year which saw the death of Gaddaffi, Kim Jong Il, Voldemort and Osama Bin Laden, the White House is sad to see the back of 2011 or, as they like to call it: "THE BEST YEAR EVER AND WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO DO MUCH!". In the review of 2011′s news stories, The Onion News Network had a look back at Bin Laden’s death and whether or not it had an important impact upon the world:

But we all know that this “joy” is flawed, broken, not up to scratch. It’s as if somebody has engraved the word JOY onto a cliff face – shouting joy out to all the globe but then this only raises the question of why the world needs to be told to be joyful. For we know that it is not.

The angels brought “glad tidings to all mankind” because man was not glad. They announced that “a Saviour is born” because the earth is in dire need of salvation from itself if from nothing else.

In fact, we all know of this defective joy, the dishonesty of the happy holidays, and the grieving of the season because we are always reminded of it. We are taught from the youngest age possible that although Christmas is fun and good, there is another side. The phrase “the real meaning” is volleyed about by all sides for all causes and for even more reasons.

For some this will be the first Christmas of real sadness, for some the last. For some there will be new and difficult challenges, not because of the time of year but just because there are things that are difficult which have happened now, now of all times.

And there we have it – “of all times” – the belief that at this time we have the right not to be disturbed by the messiness of living. Go away, leave your heartless hardship till later, if at all. Thus the joy of the season not only reminds but actively points us towards grief. The joy is spoiled.

But this is not as it should be.

The grief of the earth should be lifted by the joy to the world because that was its very purpose. Glad tidings of great joy were brought not to remind us of loss but to announce to us gifts. Or better, the gift.

When a Saviour was announced, it was not to rub in the painful truth of his necessity but rather to lift the weighty burden of the wait for his coming.

So it is that joy should not lead to grief as a logical progression, but that grief should lead to joy. When we feel loss, it then points to the Giver who holds the taken in the palm of his hand. When we experience pain, it shows us the Healer who promises an end to each of our tears. When we feel a wanting, a longing, a deep seated sense of something which is lacking, it leads us to the Provider who stepped down, stepped in, stepped out, and stepped up to the task and handed us joy when all we had was sadness.

I believe we’re getting rather off topic here.

Yeah so not everybody knows what I’m nattering on about half the time. Fair play, I can understand this. What I can’t understand is when people don’t know how to use Google. Not that I demand that everybody have a complete understanding of all the useless drivel I spew out, you’re probably better off not knowing most of the utter banal trivia and geekology which thrills me so. But what I do take exception to is when people read something on the internet, be it on the news or on Facebook or whatever and when they don’t fully comprehend what they’ve just glanced over they don’t go to Google (or any other search engine of their choice) and FIND OUT.

Ok so I’m not asking everybody to totally grasp the inner workings and subtle nuances of world politics or have a complex knowledge of how just exactly what they’re looking for at CERN and be able to fire off facts about what Confucius thought on everything. It’s ok to not be interested in stuff – I detest football to the extreme and make it my business not to know anything or understand anything about it.

But what really fries my noodle is how people can genuinely want to know something and then not go and find out, like whether or not that was Ryan Phillippe I saw run past the screen behind Denzel Washington in Crimson Tide (it was), and whose voice that is dueting with Kate Rusby in High On A Hill (it was Chris Thile’s from Punch Brothers), what the deal is with Taiwan and China (in short: China’s a petulant child).

Sometimes finding out can be fun you know. Ok so whether or not it’s so-and-so in that film and which other films they’ve been in is a simple IMDb job (who knew – Crimson Tide was Ryan Phillippe’s first big film), and the whole China/Taiwan situation is handily run through on Wikipedia for you if you want to spend about 20 minutes browsing through a few pages, but working out who was singing with Kate Rusby was immensely satisfying.

I knew I recognised the voice. I was pretty sure it was the lead singer from Punch Brothers but I didn’t know any of the band members’ names. Step 1: open two Wikipedia tabs, one for Kate Rusby and one for Punch Brothers. Step 2: search Kate Rusby’s page for the lead singer of Punch Brothers. Step 3: when step 2 fails, open Google and ask it the question “who sings with Kate Rusby in High On A Hill” and then scroll down. Step 4: read a BBC review of Rusby’s album Awkward Annie in which it says that Chris Thile of Punch Brothers sings with Rusby. Job done. Step 5: Celebrate with some Earth, Wind And Fire.

There is absolutely no excuse why somebody who wants to know something can’t find out if they’re anywhere near a computer or a smart phone. I honestly don’t know how people can actually watch films without getting really frustrated about where they know that actor or actress from. As soon as films start, I’m on IMDb working out who’s who, what else they’ve been in and whether or not I like their back catalogue of films. The internet. Serious business.

For those of you who didn’t have a clue what I was going on about with Kate Rusby, here’s the song:

I mean, I could natter on for hours about glasses, water levels, is it full, is it empty, and who’s been nabbing my drink but it really makes little difference. Some people are pessimists and some are optimists. It’s just that nobody is a realist.

Let’s face it people, we seem to have lost the actual meanings of the words optimist and pessimist. Realist really isn’t an option unless you’re God or Chuck Norris. Both an optimist and a pessimist will look at the facts and interpret them in a positive or a negative light respectively. For some reason, we’ve come to think that if you’re an optimist you just think that everything’s going to turn out fine with sunshine, roses and fairytale love; and if you’re a pessimist you think that we’re all going to die. Slowly.

Reluctant to appear as if we ignore the cold hard facts, we claim to be realists: people who sagely weigh up the pros and cons and come to a real decision based upon empirical truth.

The problem is, we’re dealing with hypotheticals here. Situations where it could conceivably go either way. Nobody actually knows what’s going to happen you know. A realist cannot exist because you cannot know what the outcome is going to be in every situation.

Pessimist is not a dirty word – they’re just people who analyse facts as much as the next person but who generally come to more negative conclusions than optimists. Optimist also isn’t a synonym for idiot. They don’t all wear rose tinted 3D glasses and ignore past experiences. Pessimists can come to positive conclusions and optimists can come to negative conclusions as well – it’s more of a scale than a binary on/off happy/suicidal thing.

If you sincerely hold to the idea that you’re a realist, I put it to you that you’re a delusional pessimist who is ashamed to admit that you have a rather gloomy and cynical outlook on the world.

Myself? I’m not sure which I am. I’d like to be an optimist but judging by the way I rant about things which annoy me, I’d hazard a guess that I’m a pessimist with a penchant for cynicism, sarcasm and rage. Ah well. Just stay away from my sodding glass and let me drink it all myself.

Irrelevant Video Of The Day

So Topman just made a boo-boo. I mean, come on! How on earth, WHO on earth thought that they would get away with this? Ok so I’m not in any way condoning this t-shirt but I am also not going to be a high and mighty, holier-than-thou blogger who claims that he doesn’t see the small nugget of humour here. And if any of you now think I’m a sexist and misogynistic prig, please comfort yourselves in the knowledge that I’m a die-hard feminist.

But let’s face it people, we all make and/or laugh at jokes like these. Our laughs might not stretch to such lows as “Nice new girlfriend – what breed is she?” which was the other comment emblazoned across another t-shirt from Topman, but we all snigger at risqué jokes from time to time.

Whether the hastily stifled snorts are from a racist, sexist, homophobic or just plain wrong joke, I think very few of us would honestly be able to hold our hands on hearts and say we’re all perfect in this area. After all, ever heard or told an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman joke? Surely that’s racist hmm?

The moral grey area aside, just what on earth did Topman think they were doing exactly? Yes, we all make off-colour jokes from time to time but we don’t wear them on our clothes!

Some might argue that this is a double standard of people being allowed to say something but not wear it, and I would reply that… yes. Yes it is. But society is built upon double standards, so let’s not start rocking the boat now eh? Ok so if we were all logical human beings, we’d be able to acknowledge that a person can have one thing on their clothes and think another in their heads. But OH COME ON TOPMAN! We are in the 21st century here! People rejoice in being offended left, right and centre! Hey – perhaps if I approach Primark with a design for a beautiful scarf which says “Sweatshop made but you love it really” they’ll sell it? Redonkulous.

Or perhaps this is merely a very sneakily thought out publicity stunt? That seems rather more plausible methinks. In fact, that seems almost certain. Yeah – actually – yes this is it. Erm so why are people rushing to condemn this again? Doesn’t that bring more publicity?

Surely it is obvious that nobody at the head of Topman supports the subjugation of women. So why on earth do people actually think that they do? Oh shuttit all you self-righteous campaigners. Crawl back into your lovely politically correct hovels and surround yourselves with organic beans, cous-cous and cashmere while you refuse meat and beat your hipster chests in angst. Vile people.

But what’s really funny, what honestly tickled me in this whole hoo-har, is Topman’s press statement. I present the opening sentence to you forthwith:

“We have received some negative feedback regarding two of our printed T-shirts.”

Negative feedback? FEEDBACK? Oh I long for the day when people only use that word in reference to the painful squeal from the close proximity of a microphone to a speaker. But seriously guys – feedback? There’s a whole freakin’ internet campaign hollering for your blood out there! Negative? I’ll say! Oh why won’t people speak clearly and say things how they are? Here’s how it should have gone:

“We’ve been lambasted in the press and slaughtered online over the, rather imbecilic it seems now, designs of two of our t-shirts. Yeah, sorry about that. Kinda. It (probably) won’t happen again (for a while at least) so please calm down and if you don’t like it, don’t buy it.”

When I first head about Columbus Day I thought nothing of it. I mean, he didn’t discover my country and I’m not even sure he ever set foot in Blighty so who cares (there’s that apathy creeping in again). But surely it’s an ostensibly fun day for the countries that do celebrate it? There are parades in the US and it’s generally a day off for everyone to mull over just how brilliant good old Chris was, and to get round to watching that episode of that show you’ve been meaning to watch. Or something.

But then I really got to thinking. Christopher Columbus didn’t even discover America in the first place. That accolade goes to some random Viking or other doesn’t it? Olaf Ameriksson? I don’t know. Oh ok so Columbus is generally credited with selling the idea of the Americas and the New World to 15th Century Europe (I’ll leave a little time here for you to catch up with me while you all figure out when the fifteenth century was… 15th century means not the 1500s which means 16-no-1400and let’s carry on) and so he was generally a better salesman than Some Random Viking who I guess really wasn’t that much of a salesman because we don’t know his name. I’m guessing said Viking marketed the continent as "It’s really far away and they have potatoes there." Not the best pitch ever. But hey – if a Viking discovered America, why were there already Native Americans there? Now there’s a thought.

So people celebrate a guy who managed to convince a load of Europeans to go over to the Americas and bring stuff back. What’s wrong with that eh? Well many things really. Chief among them being that Columbus killed hundreds of thousands of the people who lived in America just so he could have their stuff, he sailed back home and then told other people "Hey come over to America, there’s loads of gold and new shizzle and all you have to do is kill the people who own it with your superior technology and it’s yours." A better sales pitch, if ethically flawed.

Also on the books is the fact that Columbus wasn’t even looking for America, he was looking for China. So it’s ok kids if you don’t achieve what you wanted or in fact do the exact opposite to it and to what your monarch tasked you with doing, just take the next best thing and people will go nuts for it.

So he didn’t discover America, he failed in his goal, he killed and lead the way to the killing of millions of people and the destruction of multiple entire civilisations and we celebrate him? What’s next? A Hitler day?

Knowing all of this, how exactly does one celebrate Columbus Day? By marching into someone else’s house, declaring that you own it now, giving the inhabitants syphilis and then killing their families before taking their stuff? As fun as it sounds, I think I’ll pass.

Actually, you know what would be a brilliant idea? A Columbo Day. See, it’s almost the same spelling and it’s far better. Ok so it’s based on a fictional character but Lieutenant Columbo is the greater man by far I think we’d all agree. I’d rather celebrate a man who always perseveres until he catches the bad guy and may not be real instead of a guy who is real and in fact was the bad guy. Anyhow, Columbo day sounds fun. We could all walk round in beige coats squinting at each other, pretending to be a lot stupider than we really are and start every sentence with "Just one more thing…"

P.S.V.
Well I said he was fictional but here he is making fun of Frank Sinatra

So I haven’t blogged in ages. Again.

“What happened to your blog?” I was asked the other day, and I really couldn’t answer. What has happened to it? It’s still here thank goodness but where has the writing part gone?

Oddly enough, I’ve found myself over the summer really not caring about anything. You may beg to differ if you’ve had a conversation with me but truthfully I don’t care about anything.

Apathy is strange. It creeps up on you when you begin to not care about the little things and then before you know it, you don’t care about the big things.

Now I know I’ve still appeared to care about stuff – my views on most things haven’t really changed and some of you might have found yourselves on the opposite side of a conversation which quickly morphed into an argument debate. Truth be told however, I was just talking for the sake of it.

This transformation into Dr House is an odd development in me but I think I’m over it now. Because really I do care about stuff. Not everything I hasten to add but definitely the important stuff such as: what’s for tea, whether or not we have any coffee left which isn’t instant or decaf*, and whether or not there’s a new episode of Modern Family online yet.

Life is frequently odd and personality developments such as these are interesting. I just hope I don’t develop any ambivalence to people and friends anytime soon. If I do, slap me about the face and tell me to obey life’s golden rule: Don’t be a tool.

*On Sunday I saw a cup of coffee on the table which looked a bit lonely and so I asked whether it was for me or not. Mum replied “It’s decaf instant coffee”. “Mother,” I replied “there are two very wrong words in that sentence”. Death before decaf ladies and gentlemen.

I love TV series, I really do. Stuff all those people who say "TV’s not what it used to be" Have you turned it on lately? This September, all my favourite TV shows are coming back on and I’m redonkulously excited.

What I think really puts the finishing touches onto a TV series is the theme tune – the opening credits. And so, in true Andy fashion, here are my top 5 theme songs from TV series. There are many more which I love such as The West Wing – I still feel the need to stand up and salute whenever I hear the slightest snippet of that tune – but these are the five which make shivers run down my spine.

5. Battlestar Galactica
Easily the greatest sci-fi show ever to grace our screens and a very strong contender for best damn show ever, BSG is immense. I mean, who writes a theme song in Sanskrit and fuses so many musical styles together to virtually create a whole new culture which comes across in the opening credits? Bear McCreary, that’s who.
The stuff throughout the show is also rather nifty if you’re into orchestral stuff. The second this comes on the TV, me Ian and Tom all feel the need to wail incessantly, slightly in tune, to the magnificence that is BSG’s opening credits.

4. Firefly
Also a good contender for best damn show on TV and jumping in at second place for best sci-fi show ever, Firefly is the shiznit. Joss Whedon the director wrote and performed the opening credits and they’re just marvelloso.

3. Game of Thrones
To be honest, most things with a cello get me, but along with the animations, these opening credits take the fantastical biscuit. I didn’t know what to expect from the series, but from the moment the opening credits began, I knew I was going to go all fanboy and crazy about Game of Thrones. And rightly so.

2. Will & Grace
I love jazz piano. That is all.

1. True Blood
Ok so it’s a little graphic and disturbing but you can’t deny that the song is catchy. Dirty, yes but also catchy. To be honest, I’ve never been able to watch the opening credits because they freak me out so much. I just leave it playing in the background because I LOVE the song. In fact, I can’t stand the thought of it on my blog so here’s just the audio. To be honest, it’s addictively catchy enough on it’s own.

*Ok so it wasn’t that bad, but you get the picture. Allow me a little poetic license if you please. And hey, who am I kidding? This is my blog! If I declare a need for melodrama, then melodrama there shall be. So there.

P.S
Of course, a blog about TV show opening credits really couldn’t be complete without this now could it? Come on now, you know you know all the words.